Under Pressure.

My Newcastle interview is on Monday and it’s safe to say that I’m starting to feel the pressure ever so slightly. I’m not nervous for the interview as such, I’m actually more nervous about the wait afterwards and the possibility of rejection. Even though I still have four other universities to hear from, this feels like my last chance and it’s as if all my proverbial eggs are pretty much in the one basket. There are only 18 places on the Newcastle course so it’s really quite competitive and I’d love to be offered a place – the course sounds fantastic and Newcastle is a city I can most definitely see myself living in for the next two years!

Probably the most pressurising thing though is the weight of everyone else’s expectations. My friends, family and colleagues have all been absolutely lovely and said some really positive and complementary things to me which is great but also, for some reason, adds on a whole load of added pressure. People think I’ll do well or I’ll get onto the course and while that’s a massive confidence boost, it feels like everyone expects me to be successful and that for me just makes things ten times more intense. In theory, this is probably the easier bit for me – I’ve always said if I can get my foot in the door and get myself an interview, I should be alright as I’m pretty confident and I come across much better in person than I do on paper. However, that doesn’t make this any less nerve-racking.

In a strange way though, I’m a lot calmer than I thought I would be. By now, I expected myself to be fully freaking out and just generally having a bit of a panic. Instead, it’s almost as if I’ve managed to convince myself that this is a practice run for next year and I’m not actually going to get a place but I may as well just go in there and give it a shot on the off-chance. In a way it doesn’t feel quite right, not just yet, almost as if I do actually need another year of practical work  experience and then I’ll be fully ready to do the course and do it properly. Obviously, I’d love to get a place this year but I’d understand why if not and I’m slowly accepting the idea that a year back at home, in another related job could be good for me – if worst came to worst, at least I’d be able to afford a holiday next year! Fingers crossed though that it doesn’t come to that and I get to spend the next two years of my life in the North-East, being an extra on Geordie Shore!

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Cold Feet

I’m starting to have second thoughts about moving to Glasgow. While I know deep down this is a fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime type of opportunity  I can’t help but wonder if I’ve actually made the right decision.

I had one of those days yesterday that was just lovely. My best friend came round and we sat on the sofa under my massive duvet, chatted and watched a good old rom-com (‘Life as we know it’ – if you haven’t seen it, I rather recommend it!) . We haven’t had chance to just chill out and have a lazy day together in a while and I realised after she’d left how much I’m going to miss her and how much I’ll miss just having the opportunity to do this, whenever we happen to both be free, as oppose to having to fully schedule trips into our diaries to visit one another. Indeed, when I think about all the good times I’ve had at home with my friends and family, I do start to question why on earth I’d move so far away from some of the people I care about most in the world. I know they’ll visit if they get the chance and we’re lucky enough to live in a generation that has skype, email, facebook etc. so I have no worries about losing touch, but I can’t help but also feel a little sad.

I don’t think it helps that I’ve realised just how tight a budget I’ll be on during the next year. Part of me does think I should have done the sensible thing and stayed at home, got a well paid full-time job and cleared my overdraft. I actually saw an advert for a job with the learning disability charity, Mencap, in my small home town of Long Eaton which would have been perfect for this year and not too badly paid. Obviously, I probably wouldn’t have got the job but it’s hard not to wonder how things could have turned out instead.

The rational part of my brain does know though that this year is likely to be ‘the making of me’. Whether or not I enjoy the placement, or even enjoy living in Glasgow, I know that being so independent this year will help me to grow up, become that bit more mature and help me discover who I am and what it is that I actually want from life.  Deep down I know I wouldn’t have been truly happy living at home for a whole year anyway – part of the reason I applied to volunteer is because it gave me the opportunity to move away! I guess I just never envisaged that I’d be going quite so far away.

Days until the big move:14.